If you are living with a teenager, then you are probably familiar with the challenge of getting them to do anything.  Wanting to help our children through difficult moments in their lives can be frustrating when we are met with stubbornness, emotional attitude or apathy for the situation.

The most rapid growth of synapses or connections between brain cells happens in the toddler years and again in the teenage years, suggesting that much of the same needs and behaviour may be displayed:  reward, attention and novelty seeking, acting-out in the moment, seeking more independence and requiring more love and patience. Though none of us ever grew up without going through those difficult years, we quickly forget what it was like.  As part of the struggle to grow up, teenagers challenge the world in every way possible.   And it’s important that they do so, because this will help them develop their place in the world.

As parents, here are the top 5 ways to help them keep challenging the world, and remain productive, healthy and happy:

• Listen to your teenager… Truly listen.   As parents we like to talk, to teach, to motivate, to punish and reward.  All of these are common parental behaviours but since our teens are exploring the world with a different set of guide posts, it’s important to talk to them and listen out for their fears, their worries, what inspires them and motivates them.  Listening to your teenager has the added benefit of building trust and open communication.  Listening for the cues that trigger their behaviours will help you find the intrinsic motivator that you can use as your secret weapon to have them explore new ideas, tasks or habits. Connect the change you want in them with something that they value, in a positive setting, and you’ve got a winning combination.
• Mind your language.  Especially in the earlier years of adolescence, teenagers love drama.  Every detail of their lives is amplified for maximum pleasure and pain.  The words you choose to use around them may hold little importance to you, but your teenager is listening, taking it in, and unconsciously deciding how to interpret it (even when they seem aloof and distant).  Choose language that is positive, empowering and without limits.  Instead of using words like “can’t, don’t, should, need”, try re-phrasing the statements as “I’d like you to,  Would you mind…, Can, Do…”
• Why and for What Purpose.   Teenagers have a difficult time with decision making. These are one of the skills they are learning to do for themselves. If you’re meeting resistance when asking your teen for cooperation, try this simple change in questioning:  Stop using the word “Why”.   Example: “Why don’t you want to do this?” .  Why is a word that is open to interpretation in our brains leaving the answer open to anything from a reason to an emotional defence.  Depending on the situation, it can imply guilt and accusation.  Instead, try using: “For what purpose are you reluctant to do this?” and see how your teen’s answers change:  asking “for what purpose” requires them to evaluate their decision making process – allowing them to learn from every experience and improve their decisions.
• Lead by example.  Teenagers take their cues from their environment.  Resistance is strongest when the request is not a part of their daily cues.  It’ll be easier to get your teenager to read for fun, if they see you reading for fun.  Similarly, if you’d like them to take an online course, or practice conscious self-development, consider blocking some time together, and doing your online course and self-development in tandem. Not only will you both learn from this experience, it will also help to solidify the relationship between you.
• Love them completely and unconditionally.  Emotions run high and the overflow of hormones makes it difficult for your teen to control their mood swings and their emotional interpretation of a situation.  Remember to show them loving support throughout their difficulties.  Love can be displayed in all sorts of manners but, patience, compassion, respect and understanding are the best ways to create a safe and empowering environment from which your teens will grow and flourish.